Everybody is scared, to be who we are, change who we are or reveal who we are…
As a person with great confidence in himself, the last part of this thought really hit home. I was that kid everyone went to school with (the kid who always got picked on). A great majority was because I was the fat poor kid but I think an equal portion was people were jealous or felt threatened by me. The only way to fight back was to become great at the things they feared about me. As a kid it was sports, quite honestly these days I hide behind my work and the building of my companies. It’s hard to admit but I am afraid to reveal myself, the fear of being judged personally by an outer appearance that tells nothing of who I am.
I tend to block out things around me and focus on what I can control. I don’t think knowing you are great is reason to boast about the things that you have. For me it is a stepping stone showing where I have come from and where I can go. Through these actions, I am able to hide my personal life, a built in reason why I am unable to attend activities or go on dates. Truth is girls scare the hell out of me and maybe my expectations are too high. It takes something special to peak my interest and I do not get caught up in the trivial aspects of life. However, very few times has that door been opened because it always gets slammed in my face. So I bury myself into my work, deterring my mind through endless nights of thinking, how do I grow, how do I find new clients, how do I offer better services…
Do you know what it’s like going to bed every night with tears in your eyes because you don’t understand and waking up with a smile focused on the task at hand? Do you know what it’s like to feel like the odds are always stacked against you, employers that don’t care about you, canceled dates because there are better things to do, taking the blame to avoid confrontation because it’s easier and doing things you hate to get the things you love? Do you know what it’s like to never open that door inside because you know what will happen?
Why is it that no one can see past the shell? See the person who works everyday to build an empire for his family that doesn’t yet exist, the person who just wants to enjoy someone’s company to see if they are as amazing as they seem, the person so full of life and joy despite it all.
Why? I am afraid I don’t know the answer to that question but seek the answer.
It is my mission in life to bring joy to people, build an empire to help the needy and have a family of my own. To provide opportunities to those who have none, give love to the lonely, confidence to the weary, energy to the empty and wisdom to the thirsty. I wonder so many times how I can accomplish these tasks when I am all of these things. But contend that is what makes me different, the ability to block my own needs and for the well being of others.
There is nothing in my life that I want more than a foundation who will stand by my side and help me make these things come to fruition. I am awkward and don’t know how that process is suppose to work. Help me figure it out, give the kid a chance to learn. As I said in a previous blog, “do you know what is like to go to sleep with tears in your eyes, working endless days for people who are not even in your life. Praying you could, even if only in a dream hold your wife and children even if only for a moment. Just long enough to tell them that daddy is coming, will do anything to find them and tell them how much you love them before darkness turns to dreams, bring a new dawn.” It is my greatest goal in life for these things to happen, everything else is just a tool to be prepared when that dream arrives.
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